Page 34 - Demo

34 Phonebox Magazine | August 2025Olney won%u2019t be getting a swingers%u2019 club after all. If nothing else, the whole saga gave the Olney Facebook page a proper workout %u2013 and me a couple of titters, which is more than we%u2019ll now get from the club.See you next month!Dave%u2026 There was plenty of lively debate. Opponents raised a slew of bizarre objections. What about the children?! Well, if they%u2019re very young, they%u2019ll be none the wiser. And the older ones? Let%u2019s be honest %u2013 they%u2019re far more worldly than we were at their age. They%u2019d likely fi nd the whole idea hilarious. I certainly would have.Then came the parking debate. Apparently, swingers are going to cause more congestion than the old Chinese restaurant ever did. Really? The Cherry Tree got through its planning process just fi ne when it switched from a care home to a restaurant. Not a very good argument.Noise was another concern. People must just be worried about very diff erent types of noise than those from a pub on a Saturday night.And of course, the ever-reliable %u2018drugs%u2019 argument was wheeled out. In fact, their website is very clear: no illegal drugs %u2013 get caught and you%u2019re out. It seems stricter than most music festivals. And let%u2019s be honest, Olney%u2019s hardly free of drugs as it is. I doubt the town%u2019s cocaine supply depends on people indulging in a bit of extra-curricular canoodling.That said, the club%u2019s own sales pitch wasn%u2019t exactly inspiring. They said they%u2019d be selling cakes. Cakes! As if that%u2019s going to win over the good people of Olney, who already have enough bakeries to keep the WI in scones for a decade. And if %u2018selling cakes%u2019 is a euphemism, well %u2013 double points for creativity. %u2018Have your cake and eat it.%u2019Of course, they also sell %u2018certain toys%u2019 on the website %u2013 and those defi nitely aren%u2019t for whipping up a cake mix. There%u2019s a whole %u2018Kink and Fetish%u2019 section, but as this is a family publication, I%u2019ll leave that to your imagination.The company, V2V UK, invites you to %u2018explore the naughty hobby.%u2019 No mention of Victoria Sponge. Minimum age: 24. Single men? You%u2019ll need to pass a video verifi cation, so you rugby lads hoping for a wild night %u2013 it%u2019s not quite that simple. In fact, they don%u2019t really encourage single men at all.Some of the club rules are oddly specifi c. No card payments %u2013 cash only. No chewing gum. No mobile phones. Presumably, gum just gets in the way, and photographic evidence is frowned upon. Lockers are available too %u2013 %u00a320 deposit (cash only), just like the ones we had at Newport Pagnell swimming pool to leave your clothes in. A bit less swimming involved, although there are Jacuzzis.They also host themed nights. One in particular caught my eye: %u2018Pampas and Pineapple.%u2019 I%u2019m not entirely sure what the pineapples are for, but it reminds me of an old Alexie Sayle joke.101 things to do with a pineapple. 102 if you actually eat them.They also stated that it would be a %u2018safe space%u2019 for LGBTQ people. Though I still can%u2019t help thinking %u2018LGBTQ%u2019 sounds like an old sports car. In my opinion, Olney already feels like a safe place for everyone, regardless of who they are or who they fancy.The term %u2018NMR%u2019 popped up, too. Not %u2018Nuclear Magnetic Resonance%u2019, for those still in lab coats %u2013 but %u2018Non-Monogamous Relationships.%u2019 Which, put plainly, means you%u2019re free to have a bit on the side %u2013 so long as everyone%u2019s on board.In the end, whether it%u2019s right or wrong, it is up to you. Morality isn%u2019t enshrined in planning law. And despite the uproar, this wasn%u2019t an attempt to recreate Pink Punters in Fenny Stratford, which, by the way, is known as a very safe venue. I%u2019ve never been, but my daughter and her mates give it rave reviews.The closest I came was when I ended up at %u2018Funny Girls%u2019 in Blackpool while doing a performance. The whole cast went after our show had fi nished. It stayed open till 4am, and we were there to the end as it was brilliant entertainment. As we queued to leave, a mountain of a bouncer %u2013 similar in appearance to the 1960s heavyweight boxer Sonny Liston %u2013 was giving everyone a good night kiss. As I edged closer, he must have seen the look of sheer British panic on my face, and said, %u2018Don%u2019t worry, it%u2019s not obligatory%u2019.And maybe that%u2019s the message we should take from this.It%u2019s not obligatory.Non PC joke of the month:I bought my wife one of those pug dogs recently. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to quite like her.PC Joke of the month.Did you know that Napoleon and his wife are buried side by side. They%u2019re just a bone apart.Please do send me any jokes, and I%u2019ll publish one a month if they%u2019re acceptable, and keep them for myself if not.Swingers Club pull outSo it seems...