Happy Christmas - By Dave Pibworth So Christmas is upon us again. As Tom Lehrer once sung: ' ll the turkeys, ducks and c ckens, the punch, drag out the Dickens, Even though the prospect sickens, Brother, here we go again'. But don't worry, I'm not going to have a go about Christmas as it's a fun time and it's peace to all men and all that jazz. I'm off to Leatherhead this year to play an Ugly Sister in Cinderella, so I'm going to enjoy myself and if any of you happen to be in Leatherhead around this time do come and see the show and say hello afterwards. I'm the one in the bar with the dress and wig on. My only concern is the travel as it's about 70 miles away and while I'm staying there for some of the time I shall be travelling home to the family whenever possible and it's a devil of a journey. However in comparison to Father Christmas (I refuse to call him Santa, it's so American) it's fairly easy. He has a terrible job that night. Assuming he visits only Christian children that's still about 300,000,000 deliveries, assuming an average of 2 kids in each r thts to do w h our t t? t do tht hArd wor r oul Reliable and Fully Insured Weekly, Fo nightly, Monthly References Supplied family. Ok, he doesn't have to contend with the traffic as he avoids the M25, but it's still a heck of a days work by any standards, and I'd imagine that given the choice he'd prefer to be in Leatherhead. H is calorie intake worries me slightly as well. OK, a mince pie and a glass of sherry never did anyone much harm, but 300,000,000 of them in one evening? I know he's reputed to be a large man, but I 'm surprised he's in a fit state to drive. I can only assume that Rudolf, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dunder and Blixem will know the way home, but it does go someway to explain why he only visits us all once a year. And at Christmas there's a song for everyone isn't there? For those of a religious bent there are carols, for the more frivolous there is 'Merry Christmas Everybody' by Slade and for the downright miserable there's that Band Aid song 'Do They Know It's Christmas' which is guaranteed to knock the jollity out of any gathering. If you want to finish a party, that's the one to put on. Actually there are a few Christmas party stoppers when you think about it. The Winifred School Choir 'There's No-One Quite Like Grandma' springs to mind or - believe it or not - 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer', which true to form was a Country & Western Song, and of similar ilk was 'Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas) byJohn Denver, another cheery number with the immortal line "And now I'm almost eight, as you can see, you came home at quarter past eleven, and fell down underneath our Christmas Tree". But there are good ones, such as 'Santa Baby' by Eartha Kitt, who you older ones may remember as Catwoman in the original Batman series in the 60's. She was a brilliant performer. My all time personal favourite is 'Rocking Around The Christmas Tree' by Mel and Kim. (That's Mel Smith and Kim Wilde). Because it's just very funny, and in my opinion Christmas doesn't need to be gloomy. And if am feeling gloomy then I listen to Tom Lehrer's 'Christmas Carol' which was quoted at the start and I end with. 'At Ch stmas T e You Can't Be Sore, Your Fellow Man You Must Adore, There's T e To Rob H A The More, The Other Three H dred and S ty Four' . And that cheers me up ensely. Let us look a er all your domestic cleaning needs Call today for a competitive no obligation quotation 01234 240 848 Mobile 07917 865460 Email in @olneycleaningangels.co.uk www.olneycleaningangels.co .uk Accountancy Se ices For self-employed and small businesses. Friendly service at competitive rates. For FREE initial consultation including evenings and weekends call ChrisNashon O1604696977 Accounts, Payroll, Book-keeping, Self Assessment, Year ends etc. CERTfFIED PRACTISING ACCOUNTANT 20 Bedford Road East, Yardley Hastings, No hampton NN7 1 HJ 0845 31 05326 domesticats@sky.com Phonebox Magazine 39