Page 83 - Phonebox Magazine November 2014

David Pibworth – Discrimination
We live in a country which, thankfully, has got rid of discrimination in most forms. However there are a couple
of areas in which this doesn’t apply and the first is in vegetarian restaurants. As an avowed meat eater I am disappointed at the selection of meat options offered in vegan and vegetarian establishments. When you think of all the trouble proper restaurants go to in order to keep vegetarians happy, you’d think the least they could do is to knock me up a bacon sandwich. And it doesn’t end there. If my vegetarian ‘acting’ friends come round, my wife always makes sure they have a non meat dish. If I go round to theirs, do they have a meat dish for me? Oh no, not a chance. I have to have some kind of nut cutlet and a bowl of salad. Whenever a salad bowl is pushed towards me I always think those ridiculously huge wooden spoons look quite appetising. “Oooh,” They say, “Oooh, but isn’t the salad dressing so tasty?” Well give me a pint of that with a pie then. We’d all be happy.
Don’t get me wrong, I do my vegetarian part. I happily eat peas, carrots, cabbage, sprouts and cauliflower. It’s just that as an Omnivore, I need a steak and kidney pud to go with them. It’s the inequality of it all that disappoints me in this day and age.
And then there’s this thing called ‘Positive’ discrimination. I’m confused about that one, as surely one is happy to discriminate or one isn’t and however it’s dressed up, discrimination is specifically in place to stop a certain group of people from being included, which is the point of discrimination.
It’s a free country and I’m a great believer in free speech and if you want to discriminate, just admit it. I don’t care. I just happen not to care
for discrimination. But if you are happy with ‘All Female’ short lists, then you can’t complain if someone else is happy with ‘All Male’ short lists. You can’t discriminate on discrimination. And while I’m in grumbling mood, which is quite often, another tedious thing in this country is the fairly new requirement for absurd questions to be asked.
My company sell Magic Props on line and so we are often in the Post Office and the people who work there have been instructed to ask what is in each package.
Now I don’t mind for one minute explaining that it’s a Tommy Cooper Bottle routine, the Appearing Underpants gag, or a Floating Table, and I fully understand that the staff have to ask me and I get on well with them. But I‘ve done some research on this and it’s a government legal requirement intended to stop people sending bombs and explosives through the post.
Now call me cynical, but if I were in the line of business that required me to send bombs through the post, I’d be unlikely to admit it. I can just see it:
THEM: “Good Morning sir, could I ask you what’s in the package you wish to send to Eastbourne?”.
ME: “It’s a bomb.”
THEM: “A what, sir?”
ME: “You know, a bomb. Thing that blows up.” THEM: “Ah, you can’t send it through the Royal Mail now sir. The Queen doesn’t care for that kind of thing”.
ME: “Ah, that‘s a blow. I always used to.” THEM: “It’s a new requirement, sir, but it is something we’re quite keen on”.
ME: “Will it be back to normal when the privatisation has gone through?”
THEM: “Oh yes, sir, I expect so. Have a nice day
and don‘t drop it on your way out.”
Even in the bank now, if you pay in a large cheque, they ask you where it’s from in case it’s from an illegal source.
A friend of mine regularly pays in large cheques to Nat West in Ealing, and is asked each time where the money is from and he always tells them something silly. Sometimes it’s from a ‘Rather Successful’ drugs deal, and other times it‘s his quarterly bonus from ‘Immoral Earnings’ in Blackpool. Apparently it holds up proceedings for at least 30 minutes while the area manager is located to sort it out, and on one spectacular occasion, the police. His perfectly valid argument is, if someone starts a joke, it would be dull if he didn’t keep it going. I’m a bit the same. I like a nice joke. I went into Selfridges in Oxford Street recently and said “Excuse me, but do you sell fridges?” No-one laughed.
I’m not sure if it’s me or the world who’s going bonkers but one of us is.
Anyway I do apologise for missing last month’s edition. Thousands of people have contacted me to ask why....well...hundreds of people.... well, a few people.....um.....a good mate of mine asked me about in the pub. Incidentally did you find those matches in the end?
David is available for his extremely popular talk on ‘The History of British Situation Comedy’ with an insight into the actors and writers of Britain’s favourite sit coms.
He is appearing at The Leatherhead Theatre in December as an Ugly Sister in Cinderella and is directing Fawlty Towers at The Chrysalis Theatre in March 2014. Tickets are selling fast and are available on line at www.mktoc.co.uk
Phonebox Magazine 83