Page 23 - Phonebox Magazine April 2010

Ever since the ‘Moving Sale’ sign went in the window, I’ve been bombarded with the following demand. “Where?”. It’s only natural. Humans are an inquisitive lot, and the vast majority of my customers are human. Nevertheless, I am now as fed up with giving my stock answer “It’s a secret”, as you are hearing it.
Box, but it wasn’t me, it was Gordon.
So, here’s a new answer, which I shall be giving for the foreseeable future, and who knows, it may even turn out to be true. We’re moving to Anchorage, Alaska.
Where was I? Yes, work beckons. My job is to sell you stuff, and I’ve been slacking, so, from now until the end of the page, nothing but blatant product placement and thinly disguised advertisements for items we stock at ICETWICE, but do not wish to cart all the way
most important factor is this, an election is not imminently imminent.
There are a number of reasons. First of all, Sarah Palin is no longer Governor there, so the literacy rate is likely to shoot up, meaning people will want to buy books, which, you will have noticed by now, I sell. Secondly, I hear the winters are significantly warmer there, and unlike here they have grit for the roads, and they mend potholes, but the third and
to Alaska, even though we’ve been given a very reasonable quote by Wards of Olney (bit of a plug there guys).
I digress. Which shouldn’t come as a shock, as I rarely do anything else.
Top Ten Items Now Half Price Because We Don’t Want To Take Them To Alaska, are: 1. Pantone Mugs (breakable you see). 2. Big Mirrors (heavy). 3. Small Mirrors (too small for obese Americans). 4. Umbrellas (doesn’t rain there). 5. Cardboard Cutouts (flammable). 6. Handbags (too fashionable).
7. Pashminas (ditto). I can’t be arsed with numbers 8
to 10, sorry.
However, what I can be bothered with is books, and I’d like to slim down my stock a bit for the move, so rather than get all complicated about it, what I’ve decided to do, quite irrationally, is this. Over the Easter weekend, you can buy any book we sell, at Amazon price. How
I like election night. I used to stay up until dawn, in the hope that the Monster Raving Loony Party candidate would oust Michael Portillo, but now that Michael is a celebrity chef (I may be mixed up a bit here), it’s just not the same. Anyway, my point, such as it is, is, we are at a crossroads. Virtually all the moderate people in this country would actually prefer a culinary dictatorship headed up by a triumvirate comprising Nigella, Delia and Jamie, to another five years of Broon. So, what to do, other than join me in Alaska? Here’s what. Go on a mad shopping spree from now until polling day, ideally at ICETWICE, obviously, because it’s quite clear that
will this work I hear you ask? Simple. You come in, pick up a book, say “How much is this book?”, and I look it up on the neat little Amazon app on my iPhone, and I tell you, and you say, “that’s good I’ll have that then please”, and then you give me your money, and we’re both happy.
Gordon Ramsay, when the Domestic Goddesses appoint him Chancellor, will simply say, “Fuck this, I’m quadrupling VAT” and then we’re all in for abject poverty.
I will even take US dollars over Easter, because, apparently, they accept those in Alaska.
That, by the way, is the first time the F word has appeared in The Phone
Phonebox Magazine 23