Page 17 - Phonebox Magazine October 2009

Right. I’ve had enough. I’m not cooperating with all this Christmas nonsense any more. Stand by for an announcement that may very well cause you to quake in your Uggs or Hunter wellies or whatever other frippery you park on the business end of your lower limbs.
know they have loads of them at the Co-op and Tesco and I doubt they’ll mind too much if you borrow one for a bit. If they have a problem with that, take my advice, send a stiff letter to their MD, with a copy to Mark Lancaster MP.
We hereby require ALL Christmas shopping at ICETWICE to be completed by October 31st.
If you’re uncertain what to buy, because you’re used to leaving it all until December 24th, hoping inspiration will kick in, give me a bell or email me, and I’ll suggest some things. I don’t want you complaining at my choices though. You
All the ballyhoo and blather associated with this ridiculously outmoded quasi-religious neo-pagan consumerist ritual, has got to stop and stop now. It’s got out of hand. Therefore, as a principled protest against it all, we shall be SHUTTING for November and December, so if you haven’t taken full advantage of the vast array of irresistible goods on offer in our magnificently appointed emporium by
can’t very well cry for help and then
5pm on the aforementioned date you will have jolly well missed the boat, AND the last bus home, AND very possibly blotted your copybook to boot, into the bargain and up to the hilt. Obviously
this means I have to shovel enough money into my till during the next four weeks to tide me through the last two months of the year, so you’ll have to
step up and stump up, and we don’t want any whinging thank you very much. Omelette, eggs, breaking, etc.
object when I tell you that what Granny would really like is a Penis Pokey book
To encourage you in this proud endeavour, I am prepared to stay open a bit later than 5.00pm if there are queues of you still at the till when it’s time to shut, but I must ask you to please be organised and have your cash handy and neatly folded, ready for pressing punctually into my hand. Try not to chatter too much to the other customers because they must concentrate all their efforts on not dropping their gargantuan pile of shopping. If you need trolleys, I
though you have loads of
friends and are very popular.
A snip at £30. Place orders
now please because
otherwise they won’t be
here by end of October,
and then your lovely serene
family day on December
25th will be absolutely ruined
and it will be, frankly, all, your, fault.
(a mere £7.99), and that Uncle Gerald
is extremely keen on R. Crumb’s Heroes of Blues, Jazz & Country (underpriced at
£9.99, with free CD).
Now, one more thing. If you MUST insist on having a Christmas tree, ditch the old- fashioned three dimensional
version, and get one of these,
I fully expect this decree to have a positive effect on the entire nation’s collective psyche, and I shall be quite cross if the rest of Britain’s shopkeepers don’t follow suit. I’ve left voicemails for Sirs Stuart Rose and Phillip Green demanding that they fall in line pretty pronto and present a united front, and, if they refuse, I shall be, well, miffed is not too strong a word.
cut-out tree. Very cost and space effective, complete with baubles and a decent selection of pressies to make it look as
from us of course. A 6 foot tall two dimensional cardboard
Happy Quasi-Religious Neo-Pagan Consumerist Ritual.
This article was first published in The Times Ecumenical Supplement on April 1st 2009
Phonebox Magazine 17