Page 28 - Demo

28 Phonebox Magazine | September 2025See you next month!Dave%u2026 Having now had both my knees replaced, I thought I%u2019d share the diff erence between having one done privately and the other on the NHS.A couple of years ago, my legs suddenly stopped working properly. I%u2019d had some problems with them since an accident many years ago, but it was actually very sudden when they just wouldn%u2019t work at all. One day I just couldn%u2019t move. It had been pointed out to me a year or so before, by a horse specialist while walking across our horse yard, that if I were a horse, I would have been shot some time ago. Ho, ho, ho, I said, they%u2019ll be ok.With the NHS waiting list at two years, I had no choice but to go private for the fi rst one %u2013 no private health insurance, just a requirement to walk again. When I mentioned to the consultant that I could go private, the diary magically shifted from %u2018two years%u2019 to %u2018two weeks%u2019. Of course, it came at a cost: %u00a314,000 by the time I%u2019d paid for MRI scans and other bits. So not exactly cheap.The private route was refreshingly straightforward %u2013 one meeting, then straight into The Manor Hospital, Biddenham. I was whisked into theatre, given a back blocker and sedation, and woke up in recovery. Three days in my own room with decent food, daily visits from the consultant, and nurses in and out all day. I did behave oddly due to the anaesthetic %u2013 my daughter claims I begged her to smuggle in food, convinced they weren%u2019t feeding me, despite being plied with meals. Then, after I was discharged, there were six physio sessions, all part of the initial cost, and no parking fees at all.Knee number two was diff erent. Having paid my taxes all my life, I decided I wasn%u2019t forking out again and joined the NHS queue. The consultant was excellent, but admissions held the power. It was a slow, uncertain process %u2013 plenty of scans and X-rays, but no one seemed fully in charge. Dates shifted: February, March, June, July. Finally, a fi rm date: 17th July. I turned up at 7.45am only to have the operation cancelled at 11.30am due to an emergency. Thankfully, I%u2019d said I%u2019d take a cancellation slot, and a week later I was back for real.This time, I had the back blocker, but I think I was less doped up and could hear exactly what was going on %u2013 including power tools. I found myself wondering whether they were Bosch or Black & Decker. The hammer-and-chisel moment was particularly memorable. But to be fair, I didn%u2019t care as I was fl oating about in a haze, and it was fi nally taking place.I stayed in for four days due to a high temperature, while my poor wife coped with our dog giving birth a week early to eight puppies, plus all kinds of other things on her mind. My brother was dispatched to check that I was still alive.The food looked worse than it was, and bear in mind that I am the least fussy eater you%u2019ll ever meet. I especially enjoyed the tinned rice pudding, which reminded me of school.%u00a0If you%u2019ve ever been in the British Army and have eaten Range Stew, then it was positively Egon Ronay. Range Stew was a Catering Corp speciality sent out to the fi ring range, where I spent a great deal of time, being an armourer. It is a closely guarded recipe, and some think it%u2019s a carefully planned meal, and others think it%u2019s all the leftovers stirred up with a broom. Whatever, I quite liked it, so NHS hospital food was no problem.I have had one physio session, and visitors have to pay for parking, of course, but in the end, both knees seem to work. The NHS staff %u2013 doctors, consultants, nurses %u2013 were brilliant, but the system itself felt muddled.%u00a0My advice? If you can aff ord it, get medical insurance %u2013 and this isn%u2019t some political statement. I had two very painful years waiting and looking at the NHS, currently it%u2019s not getting better. How long do you have to wait for a doctor%u2019s appointment in Olney? We had three doctors in Olney in the 1960s when the population was about 2,000, and now we have %u2013 is it 1.5 doctors %u2013 with a 6,600 (2021 census). What on earth has happened? If someone can explain it to me, I%u2019d be grateful, and if not, I might try and fi nd out.No sooner had I got home than my daughter fell off a horse and broke her wrist badly, and the NHS sorted her out very effi ciently, so the medical insurance advice is really for what are termed as non-essential, which are knees and hips, etc. They are able to quickly deal with serious incidents and illnesses, but not nonessentials.My only worry is that my privately operated left knee is posher than my right and is demanding a more expensive sock.Non-PC joke of the month:I can%u2019t believe how rude the Suppository Help Line was.PC joke of the month:I walked past the bookies yesterday, and the sign said %u201cSunday Opening 11 %u2013 4.%u201d I thought, I%u2019ll have a tenner on that %u2013 they were open last Sunday.TWOKNEESTWOJOURNEYS