Page 78 - Phonebox Magazine May 2013

My article in the last publication of the Phonebox outlines the childhood abuse which I suffered and the turbulent pattern of my life in adult years whereby I would lose everything on a regular cycle. I would find however, somehow, a way to deal with this and muster enough energy to rebuild my life. I have done this more times than I care to remember. It is certainly not right that I should have to endure this much undulation in my life. Last year left me with no choice but to come up with the answers as to why this building and smashing of my life occurred almost as a cycle every 3-4 years. You can call this soul searching or catharsis, take your pick, but I knew I had to address my situation because I knew I could not take this anymore. If this was going to be my life, then I simply did not want to be here.
I was clinging on to my job with jagged edged fingernails. I was again going through the process of trying to hold my life together. But it was slipping and slipping fast. I could not see a way out. My former fiancée had now gone and as I had moved south to be with her some two years prior, so had her family, friends and network. I almost solely relied on her family and friends for companionship. My northern friends, or so called friends had not even been to see me in the two years I had moved south. It really made me wonder what I had done wrong. I did not seem to be as popular as I thought. What was wrong with me? Where was everyone? I had always been a support to my friends when their lives seem to take a turn for the worst, in fact I would go out of my way to be there for them. Where was the reciprocation? I simply could not compute why my so-called support network had gone. I decided to do nothing. I decided not to ring friends, family nor work colleague/friends. I would see how long it would be before they rang me to at least ask, how I was getting on.
The phone didn’t ring. After several months of feeling empty, angry and devoid of answers to events surrounding my upbringing and the abuse which I had endured. I still had no one to speak to. I entered a very dark and deep depression. My depression was so bad that I lay on my bed for days contemplating my options. It pains me to write this, but it is true and I thought of many ways to commit suicide. I had taken enough beatings from life and I had had enough. Life just seemed to be too hard for me. I had once been the guy who brought laughter to others, always had a smile on my face. I was the type of character that could get through anything and as my mother had said to me over the years, “you are very strong”. This time I had been broken by life. It had brought me to my knees and I could
Never underestimate the power of a good walk!
78 Phonebox Magazine
not think of a way out. I lay there, for days, considering the worst. There are not enough metaphors to describe this point in a person’s life, my life.
I woke up from a much needed nap after lying on my bed for so long. It was almost as though my brain had had time to process the options but I also needed the loo. I got up. I walked past my computer which lay dormant and in sleep mode. I switched it on. I searched on the internet for ways to make friends and meet new people. There were various sites which involved filling out forms about yourself and then, right at the end you would be asked to pay a monthly fee. I didn’t want a dating site, I just wanted to start rebuilding my life and surround myself with people who I could trust again. I gritted my teeth and despite the complete low, several hours before, I had again found enough resilience to get up off my knees and fight.
I was still in pain from being let down by so many. I searched, “Milton Keynes” and “groups”, “making friends”, and, “social events”. Of the 3000 or so hits google gave me, I saw a link to a charity called Climb Your Mountain. I sent them an email asking how I could join. I read more about them on the website and saw that they did many events and walks. As I read more, I decided to ring the number on the contacts page. It rang. “Hello, Climb Your Mountain”, was the reply. I explained to the recipient that I lived in Olney and that I was looking for a group to perhaps join as I had few friends here and could I find out more about what they did. “We are a health and wellbeing Charity and I would be welcomed to meet up on Thursday at 6.30pm at Peace Pagoda car park in Milton Keynes for an hours walk”. This seemed to be far more personable than a form filling website that wanted nothing more from you other than to take your money. I plucked up the courage to meet in the dark in the car park on the Thursday night. “Is this Climb your Mountain?” I asked a huddled group of six or seven with torches. “It is, welcome”. We then all proceeded to walk for an hour and a few members said hello and introduced themselves. At the end of the walk, Charlie Wardle, invited me to come along to a walk on Sunday morning where we would be walking for three or so hours around Woburn estates. I said that I would love to come along.
The following day, I decided to buy head to toe walking gear so that I would be more prepared for the walk. If I was going to do this, then I should do this properly. The warm reception I received on the Thursday was exactly what I needed and I looked forward to the Sunday. Despite the stair rod weather on the Sunday morning, I still got ready and met the group in the car park and met some 20-30 people during that walk. Some of them
lived near me. I had found a much-needed distraction from the horrendous situation I found myself in earlier that year. I felt that I could do this. I felt that I could build my life again and meet some new people. The more and more I went on these walks, the more I would meet new people and get to know them. I found that they all had a reason for being in the charity but I found that none of them were judgemental or anything other than perfectly lovely people. Soon after joining, I found myself car sharing to these trips and laughing again. I really felt quite at home with this group of people. Charlie Wardle, the founder, invited me to a health and wellbeing workshop on a Monday evening for a few hours to discuss how to deal with those things in life which simply affect us all. He had built this charity some four and a half years earlier with nothing more than benevolence at the heart of it. Charlie wanted to help others. He wanted to show and prove to people that you can indeed over come life’s obstacles by looking after yourself and thinking more positively. Going for a simple walk was a great way to blow cob webs or clear your head. After several months of local walks, I was invited to a weekend away to North Devon for a two-day trip. I duly went along and loved every moment of it. Again, I met some more lovely people and as I got to know these people, we exchanged snippets of stories as to why we were there.
I really felt part of this group and the more I went along and joined in, the more I felt positive about my life and the more I began to love life again. Recently I climbed Snowdon and Scafell Pike with the group which are goals I never before felt I would accomplish. The joy and feeling you get from climbing a mountain with a bunch of people who care is an incredible sensation. Some of the group have recently climbed Kilimanjaro, which I have decided I will do next year too. I will be climbing Ben Nevis in a few months and supporting the charity in fund raising events locally.
Words cannot describe how lucky I feel to have met this group of people who have climbed their own mountain both personally and physically. I am climbing mine and I will continue to climb so that I can perhaps help other people who are going through a difficult time. There are lots of people out there who simply sit at home, go to work and feel extremely lonely. This should not be the case at all. There is a phenomenal award winning charity on your doorstep, and all you have to do is turn up and see for yourself how it can turn your life around. It has turned my life around and this is why I have written this article. No matter how bad you feel and no matter how low you get, there is always, always something you can do.
www.climbyourmountain.org