Page 53 - Phonebox Magazine September 2008

It’s old news by the time you read this, but I cried on 28th July. Copiously. I watched the BBC television news coverage of The Grand Pier at Weston-Super- Mare (my home town) going up in flames, taking with it many happy childhood memories. This Victorian edifice was host to my first kiss (no tongues), my first cigarette (Consulate I’m afraid, what a wimp), my first and pretty much last attempts at gambling (one-armed bandit), first stab at driving (dodgems), and first (mental) orgasm (finding 2s 6d in the mud beneath the pier).
I called my mother. Arson, was her immediate, private, wholly unsubstantiated verdict. Every other mother her age in the town doubtless made the same comment to every other adult child my age in a similar conversation that morning. A seaside landlady at heart still, despite retiring 26 years ago, she remains at 77 the toughest breed of entrepreneur, with the rapier financial mind of a West Country Warren Buffett, coupled with the cynicism of The Sweeney’s Jack Regan. She has an upper cut like him too. I have to admit, it was also my first thought, (must be a chip off the old block), and I was in the same class at school with the current owner of the pier, so I have first hand experience of the personalities, but of course neither of us, after pausing for mature thought, could really take such an absurd and groundless allegation seriously. Anyway, it was the chip pan wot done it, say the BBC, who know everything.
Now, building upon our deliberately unusual approach to displaying and selling books, we have created a new section in the downstairs
I tell you all this purely for personal financial gain, as you would expect, and as a roundabout way of introducing something I wish to sell to you.
Finally, following the initial runaway success of ICETWICE Jewellery Parties (call Lisa soon on 07789 953077 if you want to host one this side of Christmas), we are pleased to announce further opportunities for mayhem and mirth, this time involving small children and possibly even pets. We have become the franchisee for a lovely company based in Bath, called CROCKADOODLEDO. Their rhyming mantra is ‘created by you’ which we like. You can host a painted pottery party
Anyone who has ever been to Weston-Super-Mare must have spent time on the Pier, and therefore will appreciate and may want to own this lovely print of an original watercolour by Rosie Smith. I’d love to tell you that for
for other friends with small
children, or maybe involve your
toddler group? Or, if you just want
a one-off for a present, pop in
and we’ll show you what to do.
Prices range from £10 to £70. We
only had room for one image, this
plate featuring Molly’s hand, but you get the general idea. Adults might like to try this for the Christmas office party too. Beats the same old bum on photocopier routine eh? Trust me to lower the tone. Wheeeee. K
book department. It’s
called Puerile Humour For
Boys, (look for the Lavatory
Seat above the shelf!) but
we hope that many of the
customers will be women,
who may select any item,
confident in the knowledge
that it will pander to the worst smutty schoolboy tendencies of just about any male member of their acquaintance, for less than a tenner. ‘Dirty Limericks’, for example, seems to us the perfect gift if you have a vicar as a close relative, (handy inspiration for sermons), and ‘Potty, Fartwell & Knob’ subtitled ‘Extraordinary But True Names of British People’, covers virtually every other requirement. We say this smugly, but it’s true, because you simply don’t need to shop anywhere else to delight all the menfolk on your Christmas list, freeing up valuable time for creative dithering over long lunches and shopping (in our jewellery department) for fabulous pressies for your female friends, who, let's face it, are WORTH IT, while we men SIMPLY ARE NOT.
every print sold we’ll be donating a hefty wodge of dosh to the pier rebuilding fund, but we won’t, because of course Kerry Michael’s (aforementioned Pier owner) insurance company will be doing that.
Phonebox Magazine 53