Page 51 - Phonebox Magazine December 2007

A Day In The Life ....
Let’s start this week with a significant announcement. (Cue fanfare please Samantha).
We seem to have a new bestselling book, loosely about our new Prime Minister of all
people. Taking over from The Big Book Of Breasts, by Taschen, is The Bumper Book of Government Waste (subtitled Brown’s Squandered Billions). I bought a couple of copies as a bit of a joke
for the window when he was in mega- dither-bottling-it mode a few weeks ago, but now it’s run riot and the delivery vans are arriving hourly with fresh supplies (I’m exaggerating slightly). Quite why my customers now prefer reading about the dour Scot’s macro-economic lunacy to peering at photographs of bosoms is quite beyond me, but what the heck, I’ll sell anything to make a buck. (That’s not true. I’m very picky actually.)
So picky in fact that some of my suppliers call me Mr Picky. I know this because I overheard one of them say to another one, he’s very picky that Mr Picky fellow isn’t he? I gave him a good ticking off, but still bought his wares, because frankly, they are irresistible. He sells me absolutely stunning panoramic photographs by Jeffrey Jaye. You really must google Jeffrey and see for yourself, or pop in and have a proper butchers.
The supplier who was on the listening end of the picky tirade was attempting to sell me a table that changes colour, and blow me down I think he succeeded too. I am a
bit of a sucker for colourful stuff, and also a big fan of tables, which are jolly practical devices in my view, so the combination was more than I could stand, and I have a feeling many of you are going to be seduced as I was. I mean to say, it’s a very practical idea. If you want to put a bowl of lemons on it, you can set it to orange or lime to fit in with the citrus fruit
theme, or if it’s to be
supportive of a vase of blood
red tulips, it can be bright
green, resembling a neatly
mowed summer lawn, to really
make them stand out.
Those not in favour of occasional furniture with chameleon tendencies are probably also against predictive text messaging. I firmly believe the world can be divided neatly into two groups, those who turn predictive text help on, and those who
shun it. I am part of the former, being extraordinarily lazy. The latter group may well also be antique hunting types and they will be pleased to know that Bay Antiques have taken up residence on the top floor of ICETWICE, directly above Rees Miller. I am pleased to report it is now perfectly possible to purchase a 17th Century thingummy of great beauty, plan a new kitchen, cover a spare wall with a large Linda Sgoluppi abstract painting, and do all your Christmas shopping, without leaving the building. Oh, and you can leer at Gordon Brown and shapely mammary glands simultaneously, so let’s face it your cup probably runneth over this Yuletide.
Now then my cherubs, speaking of the forthcoming ‘Holiday Season’, as we seem to be obliged to call it in our
multicultural society, I can announce that the ‘ICETWICE BAD SANTA’S PAGAN GROTTO AND TEA LEAF STROKE TAROT READING CENTRE’ will be open upstairs here for it’s shady business every Saturday afternoon in December, and also all day Sunday for ‘Dickens of a Christmas’. It’s for over 18s
only, because frankly our man
with the white beard and red tights is a bit dodgy but it’s all for a good cause, proceeds going to the home for expoliticians with ‘something of the night’ about them (patron the Rt. Hon. M. Howard).
Finally, I’ve discovered a new way of annoying people, which as you have probably realised, is my hobby. Instead of using well known phrases in my everyday speech, I’ve started inserting slight (and pretentious) variations on them. For example, I often (coming as I do from Somerset) end a sentence with the remark “and Bob’s your uncle”, but I now alter it to “and Robert is your parent’s brother” and believe you me, it has a gratifyingly confusing and irritating outcome. It works too if you convert “as happy as Larry” to “rather contented in the manner of Lawrence”. There are obviously many other options, which I urge you to explore at home, not because it’s helpful or
productive, but just out of badness, and because I’d rather not be the only crashing bore in the town, thank you very much. Zzzzzzzzzzz.
ICETWICE GALLERY & BOOKSTORE
25, HIGH STREET SOUTH, OLNEY, BUCKINGHAMSHIRE MK46 4AA INFO@ICETWICE.COM 01234 714499 WWW.ICETWICE.COM
Phonebox Magazine 51