Page 55 - Phonebox Magazine April 2008

It's Monday morning, March 17, 2008 (as I write this, not as you read it, obviously). John Humphries has just announced, in his cheery way, that today is Black Monday. That is, by my count, 43 Black Mondays since last August. We really should rename Monday, to Blackday instead, and while we’re at it let’s change Radio 4 to Radio Robert Peston, after the financial journalist who fills every other minute of broadcast time. Twenty years from now ALL radio journalists will model their verbal prose style on Happy Bob (as I call him), and we shall all be suicidal.
A Day In The Life ....
The only thing keeping me from the precipice myself is the current form of Bristol City Football Club. I've not admitted to a living soul that I support this team since 1971 when we got to a League Cup semi-final. Since then, it's just been far too embarrassing. Strangely though, since the Northern Rock episode, they've started winning again. My private theory is that all the players, if we may call them that, were investors in that particular bank, and the fear of losing all their cash jolted them out of their slumber. Either that or they are all secretly using anabolic steroids, which I highly doubt because rough Somerset cider nullifies the effect of such drugs and the players and coaching staff (allegedly) don't start a single day without a couple of flagons. This is perfectly normal behaviour in Somerset.
What was in my strawberry yoghurt this morning? Clearly not strawberries. I'd better have a lie down.
Anyway, it's now socially acceptable to sing When The Red Red Robin Goes Bob Bob Bobbing Along (the Bristol City song). And, I’m going one step further, offering magnificent framed prints of Ashton Gate Stadium in the gallery, which of course, will never sell. Old Trafford ones will though, (see below) because, apart from the 88% of the world's
Two, all the fashion magazines have run articles on the tricky business of combining several different bangles at the same time in a very hip and trendy way. We are thinking of running evening classes on this, with a view to finding a local Mastermind entrant, specialist subject, jangly wrists. Perhaps it’s a combination of both factors. Anyway, the till makes a lovely and prolonged musical noise, which irritates the neighbours, in quite a pleasing way.
(excluding Polish plumbers) potential customers. So if they all buy one, I will inevitably leapfrog Warren Buffett as world's richest bloke. Then, I can open my own bank and provide cheap credit for all the world's needy, thus solving global economic turmoil at a stroke, securing myself a well-earned knighthood, allowing John Humphries to change Blackdays back to Mondays and making Robert Peston redundant, in one fell swoop.
I’d like to congratulate those people who took part in the recent Sport Relief fund- raiser. I run a mile myself (in my head), whenever I’m confronted with the prospect of anything vaguely cardio-vascular
Despite the financial doom and gloom, jewellery is selling faster than ever. I have two theories to explain this.
One. Women are cutting back on new designer outfits and shoes and consoling themselves in their moment
of self-denial with little treats.
population who hate The Red Devils, everyone will want one. That means 12% of the UK, or about 7.2 million
in nature. The last time I
did anything like that was
Sport Aid in 1986 and I
haven’t broken sweat since
really. So, I am in awe of
you all. We gave some of these Reuters books as prizes to Olney Fitness Centre to encourage their members to get stuck in, and get stuck in they apparently did. I’m only telling you this because I want to show off, and to make sure that I have supporting documentary evidence when I eventually fill in a tax return and claim relief on donations. I don’t want you to think for one minute that I am becoming less of a cantankerous old git and giving stuff to charitable causes. Nosirree, Bob.
ICETWICE GALLERY & BOOKSTORE
25, HIGH STREET SOUTH, OLNEY, BUCKINGHAMSHIRE MK46 4AA INFO@ICETWICE.COM 01234 714499 WWW.ICETWICE.COM
Phonebox Magazine 53